Famous Quotes

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister....and now wish to withdraw that statement ~ Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible ~ George Burns

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint ~ Mark Twain

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher ~ Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury ~ Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe ~ Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things ~ Jilly Cooper

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat ~ Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first ~ Mark Twain

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery ~ Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money ~ Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position ~ Mark Twain

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth ~ George Burns

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac ~ Unknown

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good...spit it out ~ Unknown