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It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
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My Resume
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, I retired and I found that I am perfect for the job!
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- My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was G-d and I didn't.
- I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
- I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
- I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- G-d must love stupid people; he made so many.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
- Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
- Procrastinate Now!
- My dog can lick anyone!
- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
- STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
- He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
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