Erev Shabbos Jokes

Computer Terms in Hebrew

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Thanks to "Leitz" who posted this earlier today:

Reminds me of the old joke told by Dzigan (of Dzigan and Shumacher fame one of the early Jewish comedian teams of the sixties.)

He claims he bought a newspaper in Israel. He was charged 45 agarot. When he complained to the vendor that it says "price 35 agarot" on the top of the paper the vendor replied "Naar -do you believe everything it says in the papers?"

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A mul is gaven drei Indians - der Tatte, Geronowitz, die Mutter, Pocayenta, und di tuchter, Minnie Horowitz. Ain tug is Minnie Horowitz gekummen aheim und gezukt tzu Pocayenta, "Mamma, ich vill hairaten". Zukt Pocayenta, "Gut, siz shoin tzeit; du bist yetzt an alte moid, sekstzin yur alt. Ver iz der bucher?". Zukt Minnie Horowitz, "Oy, Mamma, hob ich getruffen mit a bucher! Haich un heldish, azoy shein, azoy shtark!". "Un vos iz zein nommen?" "Er hayst Sitting Bullvon". "Un vos far a yiches hot er?". "Oy, er hut a grosser yiches. Zein tatte, Mishuggene Ferd, is der gantzer macher fun alle die Shvartz-fuss leite".

Zukt Pocayenta, "Gut, mir vellen hubben a groisser chassena - OY VAY IS MIR!". "Vus is der mehr?". "Mir hubben ain tzore.". "Vus iz der tzore?" "Die tzeepee iz nit gross genug tzu halten alle die gasten fun die chassena, alle die Shvartz-fuss und die Shmohawks, und die gantze mishpuche."

Shreit Pocayenta tzu Geronowitz, "Geronowitz! Shtait uff dem tuchess, und gay krigen far mir a buffalo!".
Zukt Geronowitz, "Far vus vilst du a buffalo?". "Mit der fleish fun der buffalo, ken ich machen a gut gedempte buffalo tzimmes, und mit die peltz, ken ich machen gresser die tzeepee, und mir vellen kennen anladen die gantze velt tzum chassene".

Arois is gegangen Geronowitz. Ain tug hat passiert, tzvei tug, drei tug, un nicht kain Geronowitz. A vuch mehr passiert, kumt a haim Geronowitz mit gurnisht in die hent. "Shlemiel! Vie is mein buffalo?" schreit tzu ihm Pocayenta.

"Die in dein buffalo tzimmes! Ich hub aich baide in bud!"
"Far vus? Vus iz der mehr?"

"Der ershte tug hub ich gezehn a buffalo, nisht gut genug far die tzimmes, nisht grois genug far die tzeepee. Die tzvayte tug, hub ich gezehn anander buffalo, grois genug, uber mit a farfoite peltz - aza mieskeit fun a buffalo, hub ich kain mul nisht gezehn. A pur mere taig, hub ich gefinnin a buffalo - shain, shmaltzedik, grois! A poifect buffalo.".

"Un nu? Vuden?"

"Vu den? Ich hub gegangen tzu shechten dem buffalo. Ich hub gekukt in mein tasch, un du vaist vus? Nahr vus ich bin! Ich hub genemmen mit mir die milchidik tomahawk!"

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Ginsberg never pays his bills and is seen bargaining with a supplier.

"Hey, Ginsberg," Goldberg asks him, "why are you knocking that man's prices down ? You're never going to pay him anyway."

"Listen," answers Grinsberg, "he is a nice chap. I just want to keep down his losses!"

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A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here." "What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look." And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!"
"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a dentist."

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