Humour for Erev Shabbos

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A doctor, an engineer and a politician are arguing about which profession came first.
The doctor commented that the first surgical operation took place in Bereishit when G-d created Chava from Adam's rib.
The engineer said that before Hashem created Chava He created the world which was the first massive feat of engineering.
The politician said that even before G-d created the world, the earth was Tohu Vavohu - who do you think was the cause of that?

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I like to tell you how nice it is to be here in Monsey and see people living here the way we used to when I was growing up.

You know, I still a remember all those wonderful Yiddish expressions we used. My family was very krum, my grandfather was a shchita in the old country and we have a beautiful yichud.

Mother always wore a shtetl or a kichel on her head. Her beheimishe coking was unbelievable and her chalushes were the best on the block. Before lighting the shabbos candles she always put money into the kishke.

My father was a great tanis cholom and he had such an azus ponim. Every Friday night he made kaddish - can still see him holding the pushka of wine in his hand. For every situation he had a Jewish saying - from torah, neviim, or keruvim.

When father went to Shul they always gave him shlishi or niftar. The Shul had a six foot high chalitza. Everyone behaved and we talked only during chazoras hashass. On Yom Kippur by oleinu all ladies used to fall korach, and on Simchas Torah the hashgochos went on for hours.

My brother had his bar-mikvah in that shul and put on his tallis and tehillim for the first time. In yeshivah he grew long peiros and he learned with such haskola. He learned baba kama, baba metzia and baba basya. He knew every din and cheshbon and he just loved to go to a musar snooze.

You should know we are very strict ourselves. The meat we cut has the best hashkofa and we use only chailev yisroel. At our Purim seuda we always serve stuffed gatshke, and for Sukas we make sure to have a lulav and esrog and, of course, the finest hadassim and aveiros. On Pesach the kids have a wonderful time asking the arba tachlis and stealing the apikorsim. I really shlep nachas from them. They'll grow up to be roshei s'vivos busy with kever r'chokim.

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In the mid 60's a U.S. Navy cruiser put in to port in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
Dear Captain, Thursday, will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews--We don't like Jews.

Sure enough, at 8 PM onThursday, the lady heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."

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