Friday, September 09, 2005

More Funny Stuff

Q: What's Jewish Alszheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt...


So the man is about to build a house for himself and his family. And he goes, of course, to his Rav for an etzah about how to do this properly. So his Rav hands him a particular Masekhta (Tractate), and tells him to learn a certain part of it thoroughly, and to follow all of its instructions in building his house. This the man does in a most mahkpid fashion. The house is just about finished when the man taps in the final nail to hold the final mezuzah in place -- and at that very moment, the whole edifice collapses!

The man is outraged and rushes back to his Rav, indignant. But his Rav upbraids him, telling him that the Talmud is not some sort of mechanical cookbook, but rather a deep analysis of his soul as well, and that he must now get a chevrusah and really learn the Masekhta, with full ruachaniyus, and only THEN try to follow the Talmud's instructions for building his house. So the man finds himself a chevrusa, and really learns the Masekhta.
Then he once again builds the house. He finishes it, taps in the final nail to hold the final mezuzah -- and then once again, the whole edifice collapses!

Beside himself with rage, the man rushes back to his Rav. "Rebbe!", the man screams out after having explained the disaster, "how could this all have happened? What is going on here?"
The Rav grabs the Masekhta from his talmid, opens up to a well-worn daf, reads intently, and then looks up at his talmid. "You know", the Rav says to the man, "Rashi asks the same question".


Mr. Shwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol.
He says to Sol, "So nu, tell me Sol my boy what do you do?
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says G-d will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Shwartz.
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says G-d will provide."
Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.
"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm G-d."


A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to her neighbour, who happened to be a rabbi, and with a nervous laugh asked, "Rabbi, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management..."


Quotes from Famous Jewish Mothers:

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."