Thanks to Jake from Jerusalem for these:
- When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
- Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown
- "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
- "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
- "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
- "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm half way through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
- "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
- "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
- "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
- "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
- "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
- "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
- "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
- "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
The Jewish Thief
"So you admit breaking into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered the accused. "And what exactly did you steal?"
"A dress?"
"A dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in FOUR times!"
"Yes your Honour", sighed the accused. "But THREE times my wife didn't like the colour."
His mother was now living in Miami Beach and the young man didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.
"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."
"You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"
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A Rabbi in the middle of his sermon walked to the side of the pupit, kneeled down, placed is head on the floor and said in a loud voice "Oh G-d, as I bend down before you I am nothing".
The Cantor then walked next to the Rabbi, kneeled down, placed his head on the floor and said in a loud voice, "Oh G-d, as I bend down before you I am nothing".
Sam Shwartz in the 4th row of the congregation was so moved he edged out int the aisle, kneeled down, placed his heaqd on the floor and said in a loud voice "Oh G-d, as I bend down before you I am nothing".
At this point the Cantor nudged the Rabbi and whispered, "Look who thinks he's nothing?"
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