Friday, September 16, 2005

Shabbos Humour again


At the Russian War Academy, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews"?


A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, she is greeted by Saint Peter with ceremony and honor, and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is being prepared for her. She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with the Holy Mother Mary, if this were possible.

Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament. He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within. He opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter.

Within, sitting in a plain chair, is a middle-aged woman in the garb of the first century, engrossed in her knitting. The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates it's OK to ask questions.

"Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the Mother of God, you -- a simple woman, I know -- but if you could, please, just give me an inkling of what it felt like when IT happened, when the Lord Jesus was born?"

With a distant look in her eyes and a wrenching sigh, Mary replied, "Vell, ...Ich hob takkeh gevolt a maydel."

(For the Yiddishly-impaired: "Well, I was really hoping for a girl.")


More rules on life from Jewish mothers:

  • What business is a yenta in? Yours.
  • No meal is complete without leftovers.
  • Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
  • A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
  • Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.
  • One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
  • It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
  • If your name were Lipschitz, you'd change it too.
  • Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
  • Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
  • Never take a front row seat at a bris.
  • Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
  • Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
  • Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Palm Beach.
  • WASPs leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
  • 20% off is a bargain; 50% off is a mitzvah.
  • Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
  • The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
  • Always whisper the names of diseases.
  • If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
  • Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
  • Before you read the menu, read the prices. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
  • The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
  • Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at four in the afternoon in Florida.

Three spiritual leaders were asked - When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregants are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"

Episcopal Priest: I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.

Catholic Priest: I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.

Rabbi: I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving'.


One day, a genie was in a remarkably good mood, so he decided to go around the world, granting people their fondest wishes. First, he came to London, where he saw a very sad-looking Englishman. He said to the man, "I am a genie. Tell me what you want most, and I will grant it to you."
The Englishman said, "My cousin Nigel has the most beautiful mansion you ever saw, but I don't even have a house at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful house and not me? Well, I want you to give me a house even bigger than Nigel's." The genie snapped his fingers, and the house appeared magically. The Englishman was delighted.

Next, the genie went to Paris, where he saw a sad Frenchman. The genie asked the Frenchman what he wanted most. The Frenchman said, "My cousin Pierre has the most beautiful wife you ever saw, but I don't have a wife at all. It's not fair! Why should HE have a beautiful wife and not me? I want you to give me a wife even more beautiful than Pierre's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and a beautiful woman appeared.
The Frenchman was delighted.

Next, the genie went to Chicago, where he saw a sad-eyed American. The genie asked him what he wanted most in life. The American said, "My cousin Marty has the most beautiful sports car you ever saw, but I don't have a car at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful car and not me? I want you to give me a sports car even nicer than Marty's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and a deluxe Maserati appeared.
The American was delighted.

Finally, the genie went to the Middle East, where he saw a sad-looking Arab. He asked the Arab what he wanted most in life. The Arab answerd,"My cousin Abdul has the most beautiful flock of goats you ever saw, while I don't have any goats at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is. Why should HE have such beautiful goats and not me?"
The genie smiled and said,"So, you want a beautiful flock of your own?"
The Arab snarled, "Of course not, you idiot! I want you to kill all of Abdul's goats!"