Erev Shabbos Jokes

Things have been getting a little heavy here so I thought that I would dig up some old jokes.
Enjoy and have a Good Shabbos and a Shabbat Shalom.

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Jewish Vocabulary

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Barmitzvah.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all of one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

MINYASTICS n.going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.

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Not a job for a Jewish boy...

Two Rabbis were talking about how they made a little extra money on the side.
Rabbi Ginsberg said: Well, I work in a battery factory standing near the conveyor belt.
What do you do there? asked Rabbi Goldberg
I just wave my hand as the batteries go by and say 'I wish you a longlife!'

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Jewish jokes

A man started to tell a joke at a party: "Two Jews were on their way..."
Suddenly he was interrupted by a sensitive guest.
"Why do so many jokes begin with Jews?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," apologized the story teller, "I'll start again. Two Chinese men were on their way to the Synagogue to see the Rabbi..."