Friday, July 29, 2005

Some Erev Shabbos Humour

Only in Israel!


Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."


After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.

At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.

If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there.

But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs.

The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?

They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken.

But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."


A man goes to shul for the first time in years. Wanting to welcome him the gabbai gives him Hagbah. Comes time, he's at a loss as to what to do, finally lifts the Torah in a most awkward way, not realizing its weight, almost trips and drops the Torah trying to balance it and open at least three columns as he was told. He's humiliated and vows the next time he's going to do it right.

The man joins a gym, trains, lifts weight and receives an honor on his next visit to the same shul.

He walks jonty jolly up to the Bimah, confidently raises the Torah, opens it five columns wide,does a perfect Hagbah. Proudly, he asks the Gabbai," nu, so how did I do".

The Gabbai, not missing a beat replies, "not bad for Shlishi" !!


Two guys have been learning together for 20 years.
One of them is going to make a bar mitzvah so he says to the other one, "I am making a bar mitzvah and I would like you to come."
"I'm sorry, I can't."
"But I really want you to come."
"You don't understand. I just can't come."
"But why can't you come?"
"I'm not Jewish."
"What do you mean? We have been learning together for 20 years."
"I enjoy the intellectual stimulation."
"But we learned that a goy that keep shabbos is 'chayav misah.' "
"I never kept shabbos. Every time I was ready to leave my house, I put a key in my pocket."
"But we have an eruv here."
"I don't hold from that eruv."